{"id":9881,"date":"2020-06-10T15:23:10","date_gmt":"2020-06-10T20:23:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.osfhealthcare.org\/blog\/?p=9881"},"modified":"2022-10-10T13:45:57","modified_gmt":"2022-10-10T18:45:57","slug":"talking-to-kids-about-race-and-other-difficult-issues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/osf-blog.live.imagescape.com\/blog\/talking-to-kids-about-race-and-other-difficult-issues\/","title":{"rendered":"Talking to kids about race and other difficult issues"},"content":{"rendered":"

During times of uncertainty \u2013 whether a global pandemic, political unrest or personal tragedy \u2013 parents and caregivers are an important source of support for children of all ages.<\/p>\n

For many adults, talking about difficult topics such as race, violence and politics can be difficult.<\/p>\n

Bernice Young, LCPC, is a therapist with OSF HealthCare who specializes in child and adolescent behavioral health.<\/p>\n

Bernice points out that how a child responds to these events will depend on the child, their age and their experiences. However, all children are watching what happens in the world around them and sometimes need guidance from adults to make sense of what they see.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a beautiful opportunity for parents to look at where the kids are at and maybe educate themselves,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Start the dialogue<\/h2>\n

The first step is to ask a child what they know or feel about the issue.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have to check in with our kids and see how much they know. Sometimes, they don\u2019t know anything; sometimes, they are finding out information from their peers and being influenced by that,\u201d Bernice said.<\/p>\n

Start by showing your child it\u2019s safe for them to talk with you and share their feelings<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also important to remember that children are watching how you respond. Parents serve as a model for children of all ages, so be thoughtful about what you say and do in front of them.<\/p>\n

\u201cAttitude is a reflection of leadership. Parents are the leaders in the household, and how they act and how they are perceived plays a significant role in what kids internalize. If parents are fearful, kids will have the feeling that something is wrong. They pick up on that.\u201d<\/p>\n

That doesn\u2019t mean as a parent you won\u2019t have difficult emotions, or that you shouldn\u2019t express them \u2013 but you should be aware of how your reactions might influence your children.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s important that parents have support systems<\/a> where they can talk about how they feel. They need a safe space to vent, but we don\u2019t want to do that with children of a young age,\u201d Bernice said.<\/p>\n

Parents should also take care to have conversations in an age-appropriate way.<\/p>\n

Talking to preschool-age children<\/h2>\n

Even young children can pick up on things happening in the world around them, though they might not fully understand the situation.<\/p>\n

When children can see the people around them are upset, but they don\u2019t understand why, they might worry.<\/p>\n

For very young children, Bernice emphasizes the importance of making sure children feel safe and secure.<\/p>\n

Feeling stressed can have significant effects on kids, causing them to lose sleep or act out.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t focus on the dangers of the world. Talk about kindness,\u201d Bernice said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a beautiful age to model how you want the world to be through love and kindness. Teach them how to share and love from a space of fairness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Talking to elementary school-age children<\/h2>\n

Again, start by asking them what they already know.<\/p>\n

\u201cBased on their response, you can decide if there is room for correction in their perception of it,\u201d Bernice said.<\/p>\n

Young children might perceive that a situation is worse or more dangerous than it actually is. But the opposite can also be true \u2013 kids may not realize how important something is. As adults, we can help them put these things into context.<\/p>\n

When children express difficult or negative emotions during these conversations, parents can use the opportunity to reassure it\u2019s OK to feel those emotions.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn life, we are going to be disappointed, angry and embarrassed. There are a lot of emotions we are going to go through,\u201d Bernice said. Acknowledging these emotions is an important step to coping with them in a healthy way.<\/p>\n

Bernice uses an exercise in her practice to help families codify their value system.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think for all families it\u2019s important to sit down and have a conversation about what family values are. Once you do that, kids will know what the expectation is and what this family stands for,\u201d Bernice said.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you think of a family crest, it may have kindness, education, family. It gives kids a clear reminder that when you leave the house and you\u2019re interacting with other people, are you acting in a way that is in line with this family\u2019s values?\u201d<\/p>\n

Talking to middle and high school age children<\/h2>\n

As children approach adulthood, they might sometimes feel an increased sense of helplessness when they see violence or unrest in the world around them. They might also feel a sense of responsibility.<\/p>\n

In 2020, young people in high school and college have been closely involved in community activism and demonstrations. As parents, we can help them understand how to use their voice for good.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a great time to talk about what\u2019s appropriate and what\u2019s inappropriate. We want kids to know the difference between right and wrong, and we also want them to communicate in a way that is going to be heard,\u201d Bernice said.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also an opportunity for parents to educate themselves to help guide their conversations with their children. Older children might be getting information the news, social media or their peers \u2013 but they are still noticing how the adults in their life respond.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s what we do in those moments to model for our kids how to continue on,\u201d Bernice said.<\/p>\n

\u201cKids are watching, how does my mother, my father, my caregiver handle this situation, because you\u2019re teaching me how to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Additional resources for parents<\/h2>\n

The following resources are also available for parents from Healthy Children<\/a>, a parenting website from the American Academy of Pediatrics.<\/p>\n